do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
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