the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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