all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
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