i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
