walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
