If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
