I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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