whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize