So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
