She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
