I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
