We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
