The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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