You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I can't put those talents on a resume
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Randomize
