Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
