What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
