Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
