Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
