dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
