I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
