that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
