Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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