I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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