life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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