Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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