He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize