Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
