Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My life is pants optional.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
