Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
