saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize