found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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