we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
