youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Sorry my hands just texted you
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
