why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You dont lie about slip and slides
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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