Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
