Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
