I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize