did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
