Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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