GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
