you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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