i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
We were destined to go to rehab together
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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