He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm both gender and math confused
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
