when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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