id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
