Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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