why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
there is glitter all over my balls
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