While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Every concussion has its silver lining
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
