I want to walk on stilts...naked
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
