Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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