I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
