Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
