So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
