I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
