If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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