well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
