Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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