I skipped work to stalk him.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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