omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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